A Youkai and a Hanyou Walk Into a Bar
by Lavender Valentine
Summary: A collection of humorous ficlets and drabbles originally posted at the Inu Comedy club on LiveJournal. Pure snark, all of them.
1. Beloved

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**Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine; I just play with them.

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Originally posted at inu comedy on LiveJournal, 08/22/05

**Beloved**

"You're looking tired these days. Are you sure you're getting enough rest?"

"Yes, Grandmother." The youkai didn't bother to look up from the land treaty he was reading. Perhaps if he feigned preoccupation with other matters, she would take the hint and leave.

No such luck. "Lady Mayu and Lord Suichi paid a visit the other day," his grandmother continued, settling her graceful frame more comfortably into the cushions. "They brought their daughter with them. Do you remember Satsuki? Such an enchanting little thing; she's grown up to be quite the lovely young lady. And she's still unattached, which I find most surprising. I would have thought some ambitious lord would have snatched her up by now."

Acknowledging that his grandmother was in one of her moods, Sesshomaru tossed the treaty aside in resignation. He'd get no work done until she was finished, and that obviously wasn't going to be anytime soon. "Satsuki is a loathsome, simpering twit," Sesshomaru said evenly, knowing where this conversation was headed. "I feel nothing but pity for the fool who would choose her for a mate."

"She'd produce beautiful offspring, though," his grandmother sighed. "Such a pretty face, and those eyes of hers!"

"Any children born of that union would doubtless be as lacking in intelligence as Satsuki is. That family is far too inbred," Sesshomaru predicted. "Give up the idea, Grandmother; I refuse to consider the prospect of taking Satsuki as a bride. What have I told you about matchmaking? When the time comes to have a mate, it will be one of my own choosing."

"But, Sesshomaru," his grandmother pouted, "when? You're far past the age of maturity! And the other lords and ladies are beginning to talk. They're whispering the most awful things behind your back, saying it's unnatural for a handsome youkai such as yourself to be without companionship!"

"I have companions," Sesshomaru retorted. "They keep me suitably entertained."

His grandmother made a delicate sound that in someone less refined would have been classified as a snort. "That toadying minion and that human pet of yours hardly qualify as _companions_," she said. "I mean _adult_ companions." She stared at him for a moment longer, a horrified expression crossing her face. "Sesshomaru - you're not - with either of those two?"

His normal mask of indifference altered into a look of disgust. "Rin is a _child_, Grandmother. It's bad enough that you're accusing me of expressing a sexual interest in Jaken, but at least acquit me of the charge of molesting the youth."

"You can't blame me for wondering," his grandmother said, obviously relieved. "Why do you keep that human child, anyway? You take her everywhere with you! Why haven't you left her at some village? Shouldn't she be living with her own kind?"

"Rin belongs to me, and therefore I must protect her," he answered, realizing this wasn't a very good explanation. Mind you, he hadn't come up with a better response, in spite of having asked himself this very question a number of times. "She is best left under my care."

To his surprise, his grandmother gave him a fond smile. "Just like your father," she said happily. "He was the same way, wanting to protect and care for everything. I lost track of the strays he'd bring home, and I never had the heart to tell him he couldn't keep them..."

"Like Izayoi?" Sesshomaru muttered.

His grandmother shot him a glare. "At least your father was male enough to produce some sons! You, however, seem content to let the family line wither away into nothing!" she snapped.

It promised to be a long evening.

**...  
**  
"Does My Lord have need of my services tonight?" his personal guard asked.

"No," Sesshomaru answered as he prepared to leave the fortress. "I'll be away tonight on a small business matter. Expect my return in the morning."

"Yes, My Lord," the guard saluted.

"Oh, and one more thing," Sesshomaru paused. "If my grandmother should inquire as to my whereabouts, you haven't seen me."

**...  
**  
The night had been unseasonably warm when Sesshomaru left the fortress, but now a faint breeze had picked up. The cool breath of air wafted across the beauty draped across his lap. Reaching over to where he'd discarded his haori, Sesshomaru settled it across her chilled form.

"Better?" he murmured softly, lightly tracing a pattern of circles across the smooth surface of her back with the dull side of his claws.

She didn't respond, which was typical of her. She was content to always be there for him physically, but so often her spirit left him cold and alone. Sesshomaru gave a sigh of resignation and cradled her against his chest. "I'm sorry I was so late tonight," he said after a few minutes, lazily pressing his lips to her. "I was beginning to think I'd never get away from there. My grandmother," he leaned his back against the tree, "she means well, but she will never understand."

His love was silent, but her accusing voice rang in his ears.

"You're still upset because I haven't told them, aren't you?" Sesshomaru brushed a finger against her face. "I expected as much. I suppose I ask too much of you, hoping you will forgive the way I treated you. I was foolish; holding hatred in my heart for that which I had been raised to believe was inferior. I was blind, my love, never seeing the true beauty beneath your surface."

Sesshomaru found he could not gaze upon her as he spoke; his guilt was simply overwhelming. He did not deserve her loyalty, her love, her faith. He was unworthy. "You saved my life, yet I did not appreciate your efforts, choosing instead to take another. And even when her bloodthirsty nature shocked and frightened me, I kept her by my side, forsaking she who loved me best. You should have deserted me then, but you did not. And when she left me, as you must have known she would, you remained, comforting my soul."

There had been many times when Sesshomaru regretted the loss of his arm, and this was yet another. He wanted to embrace her, pull her tightly against him and never let go. He was forced to encircle her with his one good arm instead, resting his cheek against her silvery length.

He was the youkai who showed no emotion, but with her, he bared his soul. "Tenseiga," he murmured brokenly. "You are mine, and I will never let you go."

**- End -**

**A/N:** Oh, come on. You know he's really into that sword, especially since Toto-sai pimped her up.

Yeah, it's been done before. Now I've gone and done it, too.


	2. My Immortal

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**Disclaimer:** I feel the need to apologize for everything in this one. Oh, and the characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, not me. I'm sure you already knew that.

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**Originally posted 8/29/05 at the inucomedy club on LiveJournal.**

**Additional Note: **I had to yank out the song lyrics to _My Immortal_, per FFN's policy. It's a shame, because every Sess/Kagome fanfic should have that playing in the background.

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**My Immortal**  
  
I saw them there in the moonlight, beneath the Goshinboku. The hanyou and the priestess, entwined in passion, silver and ebony locks tangled in each other's fingers, lost in each others embrace – it shattered my heart into thousands of tiny pieces, each one sharper than the fragments of the Shikon Jewel. How much more could I take?

With a muffled sob, I turned and ran into the forest, wishing to remove myself as far from the awful scene as possible. Inu-Yasha…in spite of our arguments, our disagreements, our childish bickering, I had always believed that deep down, we genuinely cared for one another. And yet, like so many other things in this life, it had all been a lie. I meant nothing to the silver-haired hanyou, nothing at all.

The previously clear skies had become overcast, and soon the heavens began to mimic my weeping. Tears mingled with fat raindrops, as if the earth were wrapped in my sorrow. In the darkened night, the root of a tree caught my ankle, sending me tumbling to the ground in an undignified heap. A sharp, piercing pain shot through my ankle as I tried to rise, and defeated, I gave up the attempt.

The rain continued to shower upon me, and I felt my body slowly becoming as numb as my heart. "No more," I sobbed weakly, knowing there was none to hear my plea. "Let me leave this world behind; let this pain end!" I cried.

The comforting darkness began to swallow my vision, and I knew no more.

"Please wake up, please!" The hoarse whisper in my ear brought me back to a fuzzy awakening. I was wrapped in a warm embrace, pressed against a strong, firm chest. "C'mon, wake up for me – wake up!" A roughened palm cupped my cheek, the heavy thumb tenderly tracing my jaw.

"K-Koga?" I murmured, pressing my face against his breastplate, my cheeks flushing with shame. To be found out here in this condition, so helpless and sad…it was humiliating. "What…what are you doing here?"

"No, don't try to move," he cautioned me as I made a feeble effort to sit up. "I was tracking some game nearby and picked up your scent," Koga told me. "Why are you out here by yourself? Where are your companions?"

My tears began to fall anew. "They're back...at the...the village," I choked out the words. "I was looking for...for Inu-Yasha and...and I found him with her! They were..you know...and he was screaming her name…" I wailed. "Oh, Koga!" I collapsed upon his breastplate, sobbing uncontrollably. "I just want to die!"

"No, don't give up on life because someone doesn't realize how precious you are," Koga begged. "It's not worth it!"

"But I thought we had something special!" I wept. "We even made love to each other, and it was so beautiful, and I thought – kami, I'm so stupid! I should have known I'd always be second best!"

"That's it," Koga crooned, holding me tightly. "Just let it all out, you'll feel better. C'mon, cry all you want. I can take it."

He continued in this vein for hours, cradling me in his arms and soothing me as I poured the emotion from my aching soul. Throughout all of it, his claws stroked through my long hair, gently untangling the matted strands. I had never seen this softer side of the wolf demon before; in the past, he'd only shown his cocky bravado.

At last, my emotional upheaval was spent, until my breathing was punctuated by only the occasional sniffle. "Kami," I muttered, scrubbing at my face with my sleeve. "I can't believe I just fell to pieces like that..."

"You've been under a lot of stress lately," Koga pointed out. "And catching Inu-Yasha and Kagome doing the nasty...well, it had to be a bit of shock." He drew a lacy white square of fabric from out of his breastplate. "Hankie?"

"Thanks," I muttered, taking it from him. I blew my nose several times, then handed it back to him.

"Er, just keep it," he offered.

"Are you sure?" I asked. When he nodded, I tucked it into my voluminous white sleeve. "I'm a mess," I sighed.

"Nah," Koga assured me. He released me from his arms and stood up, stretching. "Hell, I can't figure out how you do it."

"Do what?" I asked, confused.

"How you manage to look so pretty all of the time. I mean, c'mon, you just sat out in the rain all night. You should look like a drowned puppy. Instead, you look like you just stepped out of the shower. There isn't even any dirt on your clothes!"

"It's a gift," I murmured. "The Lord of the Western Lands can't go about looking like a vagabond, can he?"

"I guess not," Koga shrugged. He held out a hand to assist me to my feet. "Let's go, Sesshomaru. You don't want to hang around here all day. Don't you have enemies to melt with your poison claw or something?"

"I suppose," I sighed heavily.

"Look, Sesshomaru, don't go getting all depressed over a woman. It probably doesn't have anything to do with you. Kagome can't help it if she likes that piece of dog-shit – it's those damn fuzzy ears of his! You and I didn't stand a chance, not really."

"That's not what she said the other night," I scowled. "Oh Sesshomaru, you're so beauuutifulll!" I mimicked. "Let me see how many stripes you _really_ have! Hmph!" A sudden thought struck me. "Koga – you won't tell anyone about this...incident...will you?"

"Only if you promise not to tell anyone about the...er, incident in Kyoto," the wolf demon assured me. "I've kind of got a reputation to uphold, you know? Alpha male of the pack and all that, and if word got out that I..."

"My lips are sealed," I promised. "I bid you a good day, Lord Koga. Are you certain you do not wish me to return the hankie?"

"It's yours. Keep it." And with those parting words, the prince of the wolves sped off across the countryside.

The morning sun was shining bright, bringing the promise of a new day. I vowed to be strong, to not allow my broken heart to defeat me. "I shall not be vanquished by a mere slip of a girl...woman...Kagome..." the tears threatened to return and I blinked them away hastily.

Squaring my shoulders, I forced my visage to return to its customary expressionless mask. I was a busy demon. I had territories to patrol, a hanyou (or two) to destroy, a toad-minion to abuse, and a cute little youngling to raise; I could ill afford the luxury of tears. I would be strong!

And yet, a part of me would always belong to a priestess with ebony locks and a smile full of mischief…

**A/N:** Don't get me wrong, I adore Sess/Kag pairings. (Duh.) This was written as a knee-jerk response to reading one to many fics that began with "Kag sees Inu kissing Kikyo beneath the Goshinboku and runs off crying…"

The fangirls will surely lynch me.


	3. Priceless

**Title:** Priceless  
**Original Posting:** 9/3/05 at IYFic Contest on Live Journal  
**Theme:** How Does It All End?  
**Word Count:** 317  
**Warning:** Character Assassination/Snark

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** There are some things money just can't buy…

**Priceless**

_One completed jewel – thousands of lives and untold heartache._

It was finally over. After countless battles, the evil known as Naraku had been destroyed. The completed Shikon no Tama was now resting in the shrine, glowing with a pure light.

_One couple who obviously spent the night together – a cheap flask of sake and a deserted hut._

In the clearing by the Bone-Eater's Well, a young woman and a silver-haired hanyou were locked in a passionate embrace. "I love you so much," Kagome was crying. "I know you have to honor your promise to Kikyo, but how am I supposed to let you go?"

"Don't tell me you fell for _that_ old trick," Kikyo scoffed, interrupting the pair. The two hastily broke apart from each other, faces flushed with guilt. "Let me guess – Inu-Yasha told you I was dragging him to hell and he wanted to spend his last night on earth lying in your arms."

"Hey!" Kagome's face crumpled in hurt and shock. "I – but he – "

Kikyo rolled her eyes and turned to the gaping hanyou. "Honestly, Inu-Yasha," she sighed heavily, "it's bad enough that you've used that line on all the village girls, but did you have to treat my reincarnation so badly? I really think she deserves better than that. Look at how upset she is – the poor girl thinks you're about to die!"

Flames were forming around Kagome's head. "What? The village girls! Inuuuu-Yaaashaaa!"

"No!" the hanyou spluttered, backing away from the furious Kagome. "Wait – Kikyo's lying, I swear! I'd never – aaaugh!"

As Kikyo left the clearing, a tiny smile crossed her lips. Behind her, she could hear the sound of Kagome's enraged screeching and Inu-Yasha being 'sat' so hard his bones crunched. Indulging in such a lie was unworthy of her, but really, who could resist that sort of temptation?

_Causing trouble for your ex-boyfriend on your way to hell – priceless._


	4. Start Talking

**Original Posting: **9/19/05 at inu comedy on Live Journal  
**Theme:** Calling Miroku's Bluff  
**Word Count:** 247  
**Warnings:** sweatdrop  
**Summary** Somebody's got some 'splainin to do…

**Author's Note:** This was originally done as a piece for the theme "Calling Miroku's Bluff," but it didn't quite fit the parameters. I decided to inflict it upon the masses instead.

**Start Talking**

She came to him in her hour of need, and Miroku didn't have it in him to refuse her. He knew that she was using him, but he didn't mind. After all, his own heart had long ago been given to another, so this encounter would be nothing more than the scratching of an itch.

He accepted her advances and dealt with his conscience in the morning. After all, the tiny part of his soul that wasn't completely corrupt _did_ feel some discomfort over the matter. True, she had been the one to initiate the contact, but Miroku couldn't help but remember that she was also Sango's closest friend.

The inevitable fall-out eventually arrived. Miroku had spent the evening outside Kaede's tiny hut, listening to the pained sounds of childbirth and suppressing the desire to run as far away as possible. The monk stayed, for he would not abandon the mother of his child, but he couldn't help but tremble at the pending discovery of his paternity.

Any hope Miroku might have held that the child would not bear his mark was dashed by the appearance of an extremely irate hanyou, followed closely behind by an enraged taijiya. Inu-Yasha and Sango both looked ready to gut him, slowly and painfully.

"You've got a hell of a lot of explaining to do," Inu-Yasha growled. He held up a violet-eyed fire-cat hanyou by the scruff of her neck and dangled her in front of Miroku's face. "Start talking, monk."


End file.
